Here’s a post I did for HeartSupport in September. It wasn’t easy to type, but it’s necessary to talk about. If you know of someone struggling with porn or lust in general, email them a link to this blog or refer them to HeartSupport.com to get help with their addiction.
HERE is a link to this blog on the HeartSupport website.
I don’t know about you, but one day I got tired of making up who I was.
I got tired of covering my tracks and hoping nobody found out about my secret.
I got tired of not being able to be who I really was because I was ashamed of who I had become.
Being a tech-savvy guy is a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because of the world it opens up right in front of me, but it’s a curse for the same reason. When it came to porn, I could find anything I wanted online. They say you have to be 18 to view porn. 18 is when I stopped viewing porn, after years of addiction. It became a routine and eventually an addiction for me because I got good at covering my tracks. I knew exactly what to erase on my hard drive and my browser, what links not to click on, which sites had the best content, and how to act like everything was fine at church the next morning. I know, it’s disgusting; but that’s who I was…and that’s who a lot of people still are today.
Whenever somebody said they wanted to “talk,” I thought for sure I was caught. I would sweat and worry and lose sleep until we got together to talk. Unfortunately (though I was glad at the time), the talk was almost never about my problem – it was about something different entirely.
Covering my tracks became a way of life.
That’s who I used to be.
Things are different now. Someone else covers my tracks for me. His name is Jesus. When I finally became tired of that lifestyle and weary of trying to be who I was not, I gave up. Jesus gave me the promise of covering my tracks for me, but not in the deceptive way I had done in the past, where I was afraid of who I was. His method was different. He covered my tracks and forgave me of my actions; then He enabled me to boldly face what I had done!
There’s a similar story in the Bible of a runaway slave, named Onesimus. Before he knew Christ, he was a thief and a nuisance to his master, Philemon. When he gave his life to Christ, though, things changed. Paul wrote the letter Philemon because he was sending Onesimus back to Philemon. With his new relationship with Christ, Onesimus was now empowered to confidently face what he had done.
God wants to do the same for you today. Here’s how it works…
1) Stop looking at porn, having sex outside of marriage, and lusting in general. That’s not God’s will for you (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5). I know that it’s one thing to blog that and another thing to do it. Believe me – I tried for years. Don’t give up though – I’m an example of the fact that it’s possible. Turn that over to God and be done with it today. No matter the price or the consequences, it’s worth it.
2) Allow God to cover your tracks instead of you faking it for yourself. You can only cover your tracks so much. God can really cover them.
3) Boldly face your past. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary. It’s also liberating to remember back to who you were, then see where God has taken you.
4) Don’t be quiet about it. I wonder how many less years I would have spent drowning in lust had I known that I wasn’t alone in my struggle. I wish someone else would have spoken up and been honest about who they had been.
It’s not easy to blog about this stuff. I hate who I was and the lifestyle I used to lead. My wife can’t always read the blogs I write for HeartSupport – it’s hard for her to think about who I was too. We’re both thankful that my tracks are covered by Jesus now, and although there’s still shame, there’s also forgiveness and new growth.
I’m a pastor; and I use my past with porn to help others put porn in their past.