One day we will meet them!

This is a blog post written by my wife. We’ve never shared this publicly until today…

I had different plans for March 6, 2013.

These plans involved being 40 weeks pregnant and giving birth to a beautiful healthy baby! I (we) even had some names picked out for this little one! Of course we wouldn’t have known till now whether it was a girl or boy because we LOVE the element of surprise added to the intense, stressful, agonizing, yet joyful experience we like to call Labor and Delivery! However, the Lord had different plans.

I will never forget my 13 week ultrasound. Kevin and I could not wait to see this little gift! This little baby brought some healing to an already heavy heart. Nine months prior to this ultrasound, we had lost Baby #3 to miscarriage at 7 weeks. It was the most intense inner pain I had ever experienced. I felt at times like I had been kicked in the stomach over and over. There were days when I felt like I couldn’t breathe because the pain was too much. YET, the Lord was so faithful to walk right beside me. He took us through that season and I prayed that that season would never come again. I asked the Lord to heal my wounded, fragile heart and He did something so sweet! On what would have been my due date for our 3rd precious baby, I found out I was pregnant with Baby #4! Now, back to that ultrasound appointment…

IMG_8557As I laid on the table and the nurse ran the ultrasound wand over my belly, we immediately saw the baby with hands, feet, eyes, ears, mouth! It looked smaller to me than I had anticipated, but I anxiously waited to see it move and hear a heartbeat. Unfortunately, neither of those things happened. I knew that we were once again faced with walking the road of miscarriage.

Miscarriage is something that I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to be able to relate to those who have been through it. But more than that, I didn’t want to be faced with never meeting (at least on earth) 2 babies I had carried. They were 2 lives that I had prayed for and anticipated being a part of our family. I wanted to hold them in my arms and smell their sweet baby smell.  I wanted the opportunity to raise these children to trust Jesus as their Savior and have a passion for His Word and a boldness to proclaim His great name! Over time I began to realize that these 2 sweet babies will never endure pain, trials, or heartache. Instead, they got Jesus! The truth of this brings joy to my heart and even a sense of healing knowing they are safe.

Although I wanted this week in my life to look different than it does, His will ultimately prevailed, and although I don’t understand why, I choose to trust His plan. His Word has brought the most healing.

The day after the ultrasound, I was reading Psalm 138 and came across verses 7-8, “Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you will revive me…The Lord will perfect that which concerns me…”  It was like refreshing water to my burning, wounded heart. He would revive me. He would perfect that which concerns me. As I drew near to the Lord through pouring out my heart (and let me just say that I poured out my whole heart-every angry word, every bitter word, every question, every tear), He was right there to give me all I needed to walk through that season. His grace was and is sufficient. He does work all things together for good. He gives and He takes away, but I will choose to say, Lord, Blessed be Your Name!

7 thoughts on “One day we will meet them!

  1. I am so sorry to hear you have suffered so. I know the pain of losing a child (mine was stillborn at 40 weeks) and I truly believe only knowing they are with Jesus gets us through. We know we will see them again and can anticipate that day. Some don’t have that knowledge. But, nothing earthly can take away that pain but I will pray for your family during this season of suffering. I can’t wait to see those children in Heaven along side your family.

  2. My heart truly goes out to you and your wife. My wife and I 100% know exactly what you are going through as we have been through four back to back miscarriages ourselves including a tubal pregnancy that was forced to end to save my wife’s life. The hardest and most difficult time we’ve ever had to go through. We’d never wish a single miscarriage on any enemy as they would not have the loving grace only Jesus provides through His constant care, companionship, and promise to never leave us. His grace is sufficient and He completely understands our pain even when the “why” of it all may never be answered. It is humbling to hear that we are not the only ones who have suffered to this degree, as I’m sure there are plenty more who have gone through way worse, but I am truly sorry for your losses and can only pray for God’s mighty hand of healing to completely engulf you both. I encourage you to never let go of that hope, always trust that God understands your pain, and keep your eyes on heaven as we sooo look forward to being reunited with our lost loved ones in heaven as well. A… Well our story doesn’t end there. God heard our prayers and blessed us with our 5th pregnancy last year and we are finally at the end and are expecting our daughter to be born anytime late this month. Her name is Chaya Truth. Chaya is the feminine form of the Hebrew word “chaim” meaning life. It is derived from Jesus’ famous words in John 14:6 when he says, I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Our prayer for her is that when she grows up, she’ll help others find the Way. Our hearts and prayers go out to you, your wife, and your family. May God grant you comfort during these trying times. -Michael

  3. Thank you for sharing. My husband and I had been dealing with secondary infertility issues for about 4 1/2 years. We had finally come to the point of peace and contentment with having one incredible daughter. Then to our surprise early September we found out I was pregnant. We lost the baby at 7 1/2 weeks. As I am writing right now I would have been in my 7th month. The pain is so hard right now. Thank you for sharing and the encouragement.

  4. Bless you for the courage to share your story. My husband and I experienced our first miscarriage on April 15, 2000. No one can understand the pain. There are so many prayers and dreams you have that come to a studden stop. People say the strangest things and don’t realize how much their words hurt. We endured a total of five miscarriages and finally decided a second child was not God’s plan for us. Then, at age 44 I discovered I was pregnant again. I was diagnosed with antiphospholipid antibodies and took heprin shots during that pregnancy. My daughter was born at 35 weeks, but healthy. Her name, Elianna (means God answers) is our testimony. That was eight years ago, but you never forget the precious baby you lost.

    I pray you will experience the peace that only God can give you. I’ll be in prayer for you during this difficult time.

    Blessings, Julie

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